Straight Edge Life

Man, I don’t know what the hell is going on right now. I’m feeling beyond unsettled. A wicked hybrid somewhere between cabin fever and fuck-it-all-itis is consuming more and more of me every day. For a couple of months now my mind has been feeling trapped, pinned, lost, cornered. The odd thing is that I don’t feel out of balance. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel very balanced, balanced on the edge of two gigantic crevasses maybe, but balanced nonetheless. It’s like I have a very important decision to make but I don’t know what it is. I know it’s important, I know it’s imminent, I know it’s almost impossibly critical, but I have no idea what it is. Perhaps there’s a clinical description for this almost overwhelming feeling of being unsettled. Generally I know how to tackle large personal decisions. I weigh the options, or I don’t, and I make my jump. This is different.

It could be about the house. Keep or sell? Rent or find housemates or live in it alone and work around the clock? I suppose this unsettledness could be about my romantic life. Start things up with the ex, who is open to the idea of giving things another shot, stay single and date, become monk, or just not worry about it? I will admit that I miss having a best friend around and I almost dread the process of attempting to build a history with someone new. It’s odd how much energy goes in to building friendships and how much it sucks more and more with time if they fail. Honestly I’m not all that in to dating. I don’t really like dating. I prefer friendships that become relationships… Of course, all my friendships are with my photographic subjects and they aren’t going to evolve into a relationship and I don’t date co-workers either. Dating websites are like roulette. So, I definitely know that I have some questions about my love life, but it doesn’t really feel like this one area of my life is enough to cause this amount of uncertainty. 

Lately I have been trying not to build up too much hope or too many expectations. Up to the point that I started trying to throttle expectations I think I pretty much lived on hope, dreams and expectations. They drove me. By limiting these things I could simply be experiencing transitional weirdness. Like I don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not living on my dreams. What, exactly, do I do with today if today isn’t about what I want tomorrow? Is the puritan work ethic that embedded in me? Have I really forgotten how to enjoy what today has to offer? 

So yeah, I’ve got some shit to figure out.