Straight Edge Life

I want to feel the bite of winter. I want to be cornered. I want to feel the pinch, the squeeze. I want to know I have no option but to make a choice. A choice that matters, desperately. I want to streamline, I want to simplify. I want to feel free to move. I want the soma purged from my system and the bare edge of the knife pressed hard against my flesh. I want the brush of a feather on my skin as I lay blindfolded in a field. I want clarity and freedom from distraction. I want to stop numbing myself. 

Like everything else in life, this I will have to do myself. I will have to be the thing that I want. Nobody will bring it to me. I wouldn’t recognize it if they did.

None of this is new. I’ve been here before. Been here before and when I’ve managed to get out of it with any sense of success, or more importantly, grace, I did the same thing, again and again. When I want something, many things, any thing, I almost always get rid of something else. There’s only so much room in my life and sometimes things need to be shuffled around a bit. 

Man, I want to go on a road trip right now. Want to experience something unusual, interesting. Something new. Want to drive through the night until I can’t drive anymore. Want to sleep on the side of the road with the sunroof open. Want to have an experience that money doesn’t buy. Want to see things at times of the day when most people don’t. Want to walk in to a Milonga in Las Vegas and dance with a stranger. 

Starting January 1, 2009 I’m giving up TV for a year. Maybe movies as well. Perhaps all passive visual entertainment entirely. I’m tired of being entertained. I’m tired of being pacified, tired of sitting and watching. I’m also going to average biking or walking to work 2 times a week at a minimum. I’m going to chart it, document it. I’m going to continue my food project for another year.