Straight Edge Life

Only a few people in my life have ever told me that I am beautiful. It feels so good to hear it. Out of all the compliments a person can get, I think this is one of the best. For me it’s the only one that you can’t give to yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder afterall, and saying it to yourself doesn’t carry much weight. Really, what is beauty if it isn’t shared with those around you? Now when I say a few, I mean maybe three in my whole life. It’s not a common compliment for a man to receive.

Last night, beneath the stars and fast moving clouds I heard it again. In an instant I was reminded of how rich this life really is. To be happy and sad at the same time. To feel loss and strength in the same breath. To hear pain and joy together in the same whisper. She told me I reminded her of a song about Vincent Van Gogh by Don McLean.

You took your life as lovers often do

But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant
For one as beautiful as you

It was frightening and flattering to hear. I was crushed to think that she could tell how close the idea of suicide has been for me lately. I haven’t thought about it for days, but I am terrified by how close to the surface the idea is at all times. How easy it is to think about it rationally. I always used to think that suicide is something that comes as an act of despair, something that comes in an instant of unbelievable pain. And maybe that’s why I haven’t sought help simply because I’m thinking about it. The truth is that I know exactly how I would do it and exactly when, where, and how to commit to it without possibility of retreat. And how to make sure that it would be effective. But I don’t think I could ever do it. If the only reason I can see for continuing is so that I can be there for other people, then so be it. That’s reason enough. And there seem to be one or two people who need me to be here. For whatever reasons.

I don’t know though. I’ve never been a coward. I’ve fought my way through some pretty difficult stuff. What bugs me is that for all the effort and for all the success I do manage to find, I only seem to be finding more and more pain. And so much of it is out of my control. For all my effort to do good, to be straight-forward and honest in my relationships, I can’t seem to escape those who don’t share those same values or passions.

I think my pride and my respect for those who are going through a lot worse would forever keep me from taking my own life.

Last night I asked my friend to help me remember how to enjoy life.