Straight Edge Life

Sometimes I think I’m just stubborn. That all my strength comes simply from my ability to resist. I think about giving in at times. Just letting go and saying fuck it. I think about it because I don’t completely love who I am. Maybe if I back off of some of my stubborn convictions I’ll find that some of the issues which the stubborness generates will dissappear. Because, honestly I don’t remember why I believe half the things I believe. I don’t know if I ever knew. I was talking about how reaction can become habit in an earlier log. I think I’m a victim of habit. I think it guides too many of my decisions and takes up too much of my time.

I can’t imagine my life without some sort of religion, but then I also can’t fathom believing in most religious doctrine either. I was raised in a religiously rich environment. I wasn’t forced into anything as I grew up, but I was surrounded by people who honestly believed in their faiths. I picked up some of this. I picked up a lot of it. But I’ve never studied. I’ve never felt compelled to fit the mold of a church attending Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Buddhist. My honest feelings about religion go something like this: If it fits, if my understanding of it is without contradiction, without effort, without compromise, and it helps me see beauty in the world, if it is in harmony with my heart, if my soul doesn’t see any red flags, then I’m at peace with being religious. But haven’t felt like this for a long time. It’s been impossible for me to seperate the actions of churches from religion. I’ve been unable to find a doctrine that I’m at peace with. But I still act as though I am. Out of habit, out of upbringing. Out of stubborness.

So I’m stuck between not really believing in any one religious doctrine and not really being free of the constraints of living as a religious man. It’s weird. I don’t know how to clearly and completely draw a distinction between my straight edge beliefs and plain old Christian beliefs either. Because I honestly believe that Christian religion doesn’t support drinking, drugs or promiscuous sex. So, can one exist without the other in my heart? My heart.

I often wonder if anyone else thinks about this kind of stuff. I’d probably be a lot less worried about being too stubborn if I quit thinking about how I live my life all the damn time. But I guess this is what makes me who I am. One thing I know that I believe is that religion is nothing without experience. Religion, in fact, might just be a product of experience for me.