Straight Edge Life

I’m having a crisis of vision. If I were a writer I would call it writers block. I love photography to the end of the earth, I’m extremely motivated to shoot, I’m getting familiar and comfortable with my equipment again, I’m traveling to new and interesting places. And yet I can find almost nothing I want to shoot. Nothing that inspires me.

I just got back from a very frustrating vacation.

The first bit of the vacation was nice enough. The second bit was hell.

Sometimes I think my vision is hampered by responsibility, by friends, by family, and by all the things that make me feel comfortable and wholesome and a part of society. By all the things that make me complacent. Because I know I shoot well when I’m emotionally cornered or when I’m isolated and challenged. I know I shoot well when I’m single and alone. Angry, frustrated, astounded, amazed. There’s something about this middle class life I’m living that makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel so numb.

Every day I wake up and think to myself “is this what it’s going to be like for the next 40 years?”. These goals I’m so diligently chasing, making progress on… these bills I’m paying? These people? Is it all going to be so predictable? Will I be so focused, thus ensuring my boredom for all eternity? Watching insomnia build slowly until I go nuts? Or will something snap and set me free? Because right now… shit, what good is passion if it’s got nowhere to go? What good is a love for photography if I don’t see a thing I want to shoot?

I have a strange curse. I have a love for things good and wholesome and at the same time I have so little ability to handle the boring life it creates.

There is no solution for my lack of vision other than to work my way through it. I’m not about to throw away the life I’m building simply to find inspiration in the chaos of a life I used to live (and subsequently outlived). Inspiration will come.

I’m in the process of editing photos from my trip. Hopefully this weekend at Smith will make up for the lame time I had in yellowstone. I had hoped that Smith would provide some inspiration. Had I not been struggling to get really comfortable with my mamiya, it might have. It’s too early to know if I have anything worth printing. For all those of you who have been asking to see more photos on my site, they are coming soon. Now you know why it’s been taking so long.