Straight Edge Life

It’s late, but it’s still hot. And the fact that I could cauterize open wounds using the bottom of my powerbook isn’t helping. This room and any room I work in is always hotter because of my computers. I guess that’s just one more reason why nighttime in this city is my favorite. I like summer because the students leave and the town feels empty. I like summer nights the most. And if it’s a rainy summer night… heaven. Cooler, quieter, more intimate.

Eugene is a good town. I can find solitude here with little or no effort. It’s a good town in which to be a bachelor. Which is something I’ve been thinking about lately. It’s a convenience store life. When I’m still gun-shy about relationships it seems fitting. I know I’m choosing the easy life. No pressure, no complexity, no danger. It helps me rebuild strength and recharge my emotional batteries. It might even be giving me the time to reflect on my life a bit. But one thing bachelorhood doesn’t give me is courage to go out and risk anything.

My heart just ain’t ready yet. I’m not exactly emotionally unavailable, but I’m not careless with my emotional exposure either.

I guess, as always, that it’s a matter of balance. As long as my bachelorhood doesn’t start forming bad habits I’m ok with it… Because it’s treating me well for now. It is recharging my batteries. It is helping me sort some stuff out. And it’s helping me get other things in my life cleaned up a bit. I’m doing all sorts of things that I was never able to do while in my nearly-continuous string of high-maintenance relationships. Money. I’m finally learning about it. Work, diet, exercise, travel, art, photography.

What I really wonder is if, when the time comes and I want something serious and long-term again, I’ll have learned anything about THAT while being a bachelor. Probably not. I’ll probably be back at square one and at the mercy of the love I have for the woman I’m with. I just hope that when it happens I can keep hold of my self a little better. Respect myself a little better. Because I would sacrifice everything for love. I just need to realize that it’s not necessary. Not if I’m with the right person, and not if I’m ready and smart about it.