Straight Edge Life

“Now George was a good straight boy to begin with. But there was bad blood in him someway and he got into the magic bullets that lead straight to the devil’s work. Just like marijuana leads to heroin. You think you can take them bullets and leave ‘em do ya. Just save a few for your bad days… Kid you’re hooked, heavy as lead.” Tom Waits

In high school I made a pact with my best friend that we would kick the crap out of each other if either of us started drinking or doing drugs. It wasn’t a straight edge thing, we didn’t know about straight edge back then… it was just a health thing.

Already we were watching a good majority of our friends go the stoner route. At first the two of us had fun messing with their heads at parties; telling them they did shit that they didn’t the next day. Embarrassing them, making them feel stupid for getting drunk. Soon enough we didn’t have to tell them anything, they were drunk enough to do the stupid shit all on their own. Reality quickly replaced our fiction.

It wasn’t long before people began to die. First a house fire, then a car crash. Then another car crash. Finally the overdoses came and snuck their way into the scene.

I guess I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people who willingly increase the probability of accidental death, especially with the diminishing returns so typical of drug use. I have anger more than sympathy. A few of my friends were killed by drunk drivers. As the years go by, my anger increases. But I digress…

The saddest part of those years in high school and those following was simply that we lost so many friends. Far more friends than those that died because of drinking and drugs. We lost friends to a lifestyle that we would never understand and would never relate to. A slow suicide of common sense, mind, body and spirit. It was heartbreaking and only strengthened our resolve to stay clean.

Through all that time my best friend and I kept our pact. We maintained real conversations and handled whatever the world threw at us by staying strong physically and mentally.

Well, college came along and we went our separate ways. He immediately went to Europe and then college in the fall and I stuck around for a year to climb and work before I started college. The next time we saw each other was in the spring on a climbing trip out at Smith. He had started drinking and I guess I should have expected it. We weren’t able to stay in touch very well and we both lost this connection. We all know exactly how shitty it is to be alone in a strange new place. I was at home essentially, many of my friends still nearby. My best friend went to a school where he knew nobody. He started to fit in.

Alcohol lead to Pot. Pot lead to something else. And something else… finally that something else lead straight to heroin. There was a day when he was in Eugene and he came to me for help. Even then I hadn’t seen him for a couple of years. I know it’s not my fault that he relapsed, the brutality of withdrawl sickness is something nobody should ever have to see or experience… but I always feel guilty because I had no fucking idea what to do or how to help… He broke the hearts of everyone who knew him.

He eventually stopped using heroin.. and in that way I guess I didn’t lose him. He’s still alive, living somewhere far out of this state, but I haven’t spoken to him in years. He doesn’t know that my mom died. He doesn’t know I’m divorced. Shit, I’m not sure he even met my ex-wife. He doesn’t know where I am or what I’m doing. I don’t know what he’s doing. I stopped trying to find him a while ago.

The thing that brings all of this up today is that I am happy. I’m extremely happy these days. A lot of hard work is slowly starting to pay off and I want to share it with someone who understands how I got here. Two years ago I was in the pit of hell. And prior to his using drugs I think he would have understood what I’m talking about. He might still today but I fear the patronizing effect of tracking him down just to tell him how well I’m doing specifically because I didn’t do drugs. So I am writing here instead. Hopefully you guys get it. It would be nice if a few of you were in Eugene so we could get together for a climb or a hike, or a show or something. Thanks for reading my blog. You all mean more and more to me every day.