Straight Edge Life

I’m surrounded with noise and distraction constantly. I talk about this all the time, I know. And if I bore you to tears with this rambling I apologize… I think I need to write about things until they become clear in my own head. Sometimes that takes five or six sessions with a laptop in a cafe or a dark room.

So distraction… it’s here. It’s around me. At first I thought it was there, that I put it there, to keep my mind off all the negative things that get me down. An insulation. But simply being around negative things doesn’t get me down. For that matter, thinking about negative things doesn’t get me down that much either. I can use a bad mood for good. More than that, I can usually turn a bad thing around without too much trouble.

Assuming I’m not using noise for distraction I think I must be using it to keep myself focused. I find when a room or my mind is quiet it’s damn hard to find the motivation to do things I don’t really want to do. If I’m at peace it’s extremely easy to lose all tolerance for compromise. Right now I’m compromising. My health, my sanity, my art and my social network are at risk, no… they are on hold. For good reasons. Temporary reasons. Get out of debt. But these stunningly important things are on hold nonetheless.

When it’s quiet I am at risk of becoming acutely and painfully aware of the lack of grace in my life. I am a walking ghost.