Straight Edge Life

I know no other way to get something off my mind than to get it off my plate.

The truth of it is that I let myself get totally hijacked. I had this plan about 8 years ago to build a stock photography system to help me manage and sell my digital images. I knew it was the way. The way to independence as a photographer. The way to life on the road traveling, writing and shooting as an independent journalist.

I had no damn idea how much I would need to learn to make it happen. I had no idea how much time it would take, or how exhausting that time would be. I didn’t know that it would be endless hours learning endless languages. I had no idea that it, in effect, would change me from a photographer into a programmer. But it happened. Silently and forcibly.

So there I was, 28 and realizing that my marriage was a failure, that I was pretty damn depressed, miserable in my job, hadn’t photographed for months and basically programmed only because it let me lose myself in a world of logic, structure and predictability. Safety. How messed up is that?

After that realization and the subsequent realization that I was taking on more and more demanding programming jobs (not related to Pixenter), I started to realize that programming had other uses. It paid the bills. And paid them well. I could feel my mind sharpening at the same time, and that was attractive to me. I actually felt smarter after facing the crazy array of problems you face when programming these systems. I’m sure any programmer understands what I’m talking about. This stuff can be hard. And you have to be good at getting better if you’re going to make a living at it. I’ve never really felt smart before. Sensitive, yes. Aware, sure. Artistic, maybe. Talented, yes (or so people at my first photography job kept telling me). But never really smart. I got good enough grades, but this was different. After programming for a while I definitely felt like I could solve problems rather than just watch them and interpret. The outsider perspective of an artist, or photojournalist.

So, programing started to take another role in my life: a tool. A tool for getting out of debt. A tool for feeling better about myself. I started to enjoy programming. it was useful, and in some ways actually fun.

Sadly, programming wasn’t supposed to be a goal in itself. And this is when I realized that I had totally lost track of my original reason for programming. To serve my photography. So there I was (and still am), taking on more jobs, enjoying the work, making customers happy, building a business. Hiring people, joining the chamber of commerce. Still paying my bills.

It feels like a big circle. I’m coming back to where I started. For as much as I hijacked myself (and gone some cool places) I have not forgotten that I am a photographer and that I have a desire to work and live as such. I have only one bid out for a new project and only three projects on my plate at the moment. If we get this next project, it will be my last major programming project. If I don’t, the current projects will be my last. I need to get myself back on track. Any new incoming projects will be handled by someone else inside the company, or referred to another company. I’d rather be involved with maintenance, upkeep, hosting, and development of photography related systems. The major projects take over your life.

Ok. I’ve written enough for tonight. Back to work.

P.S. I got a kitten. A friend found it abandoned in an apartment complex. He’s in a box. So adorable it makes me want to hurl.