Straight Edge Life

The dual exhaust of my twin G5 tower is like a pair of hair dryers in this room. A nice effect in winter, but not so much on a hot day like today. No doubt sensing the instability in my own mind, iTunes jumps chaotically from track to track with about as much continuity as a bingo card. Alpha Blondy, NOFX, Stevie Wonder. This unsettled mind of mine is getting to be a pain. I need clarity. I need the arrow. Direction.

I need peace between my heart and my brain. No… I don’t even care about that. Right now they are on equal ground, canceling each other out. It’s just not working. What I wish is that my heart would stop listening to my brain and just take over the whole show. For as much shit as my heart drags me through it always feels worth it in the end. Whereas I have never, ever, felt incredible after making a nice well-thought-out rational decision. No matter how safe and smart it may be to do that, it’s soulless. It’s a painful way to exist. And I’m put myself there not by getting good at being safe and rational, but by ignoring my heart. Rationality is the by-product of heartless decisions.

I stand when I need to jump. I know what needs to be done, what my direction is and where I am going to go. What remains to be done is to clear out the roadblocks, shut up, and just do it. This rational life I’ve built is not for me. I can think of a thousand things I’d rather be doing.