Straight Edge Life

Why is it so easy to work the graveyard shift? I’m not all that fond of the daylight sleeping thing. It’s a pain in the ass for all sorts of practical reasons. Especially in this little town. But there’s something awesome about working at night. I always used to do my darkroom sessions at night. No interruptions, I could play my music as loud as I wanted, and it was easy to control the light for viewing prints. The same applies here… basement office, loud music, stable temperatures (I get sleepy when it’s too warm), no phone calls, no interruptions. In short, the perfect working environment for programming. Gets a bit lonely in it’s way… but only when I’m not working hard enough or get bored waiting for a slow computer.

In other news… I decided to go see an allergy doctor. I think it’s a good thing. Been fighting this crap for too long and I want to know what’s causing it. It’s bad enough that I don’t like to exercise outside. How wrong is that? It’s not that it’s better inside, I have no idea what causes it, but at least when I’m inside working out I’m not wet, cold, miserable and unable to breathe. I hear that allergy tests suck. All sorts of poking and prodding and pain. Oh well. I’m also going to see a shrink about leftover crap from my mom dying and from my mind-fuck of a divorce.

I’m sick and tired of hitting emotional roadblocks. I want my life to be open and to move forward, but there’s fear lurking around every corner. It’s actually closing my mind, making me not even consider certain options. Why not eventually go back to full-time photography? Why not get married or let myself fall in love again. There’s no rational reason, no lack of talent or determination, or opportunity… so why don’t I even consider any of it? I haven’t had much success figuring it out on my own so it’s time to get some help. There are causes and solutions to everything, doesn’t mean we can find them all on our own. Right?

Anyway… I had better get back to work.