Straight Edge Life

I am sad. Not quite sure why. Lonely I guess. Every day I see things, beautiful things, ugly things, strange and wonderful things. Alone I see these things and most of the memories fade before I get a chance to tell anyone about any of it. I don’t want to spend my life alone, don’t want to forget all these amazing things. More importantly, I don’t want to stop seeing them just because I know I have no one to share them with. Shit, listen to me, I’m not even talking about spending time with someone, only about having someone to talk to about the time I spend alone. Ergh.

Man, I don’t know what the hell is going on right now. I’m feeling beyond unsettled. A wicked hybrid somewhere between cabin fever and fuck-it-all-itis is consuming more and more of me every day. For a couple of months now my mind has been feeling trapped, pinned, lost, cornered. The odd thing is that I don’t feel out of balance. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel very balanced, balanced on the edge of two gigantic crevasses maybe, but balanced nonetheless. It’s like I have a very important decision to make but I don’t know what it is. I know it’s important, I know it’s imminent, I know it’s almost impossibly critical, but I have no idea what it is. Perhaps there’s a clinical description for this almost overwhelming feeling of being unsettled. Generally I know how to tackle large personal decisions. I weigh the options, or I don’t, and I make my jump. This is different.

It could be about the house. Keep or sell? Rent or find housemates or live in it alone and work around the clock? I suppose this unsettledness could be about my romantic life. Start things up with the ex, who is open to the idea of giving things another shot, stay single and date, become monk, or just not worry about it? I will admit that I miss having a best friend around and I almost dread the process of attempting to build a history with someone new. It’s odd how much energy goes in to building friendships and how much it sucks more and more with time if they fail. Honestly I’m not all that in to dating. I don’t really like dating. I prefer friendships that become relationships… Of course, all my friendships are with my photographic subjects and they aren’t going to evolve into a relationship and I don’t date co-workers either. Dating websites are like roulette. So, I definitely know that I have some questions about my love life, but it doesn’t really feel like this one area of my life is enough to cause this amount of uncertainty. 

Lately I have been trying not to build up too much hope or too many expectations. Up to the point that I started trying to throttle expectations I think I pretty much lived on hope, dreams and expectations. They drove me. By limiting these things I could simply be experiencing transitional weirdness. Like I don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not living on my dreams. What, exactly, do I do with today if today isn’t about what I want tomorrow? Is the puritan work ethic that embedded in me? Have I really forgotten how to enjoy what today has to offer? 

So yeah, I’ve got some shit to figure out.

If I make it to the dawn, will I be OK? Will my finger ease off this trigger? Will the tenifer steel and polycarbonate feel less solid in my grip? Will I find hope? Will I find forgiveness in my heart?

“When I imagined the Defcon network room, I thought of a steaming router, bumping like a broken clothes dryer, manned by uber-geeks in black T-shirts with huge horn-rimmed glasses, half-mad on Monster Energy drink, yellow with Cheetos, injecting Goatse and Lemonparty into unwitting browsers.” - Dave Bullock (from comments on a wired.com story on the Goons running the Defcon network room)

The transition has begun. I’ve finally put the work in to migrate my existing content over into the WordPress schema. As much as I love my old layout, the administration area was seriously lacking in functionality. With the WordPress system I can leave the development of the admin area to the WordPress community and focus on the content of my site. There’s a lot of work to be done as I need to restore images and finish building this theme, but I’m pretty happy that the process is showing some results. I am writing this entry in WordPress’s fantastic post editor. Good times.