Straight Edge Life

I went through my mom’s old iMac today. It was really hard because it brought back a lot of memories. I’ve been sad a lot lately. Living in this house. There’s so much of her still here. I thought that my memory of her would fade after time. That as the time between the present and her death increased my pain and my sadness would decrease. But with every day it seems only to increase. The clarity and the emotion is stronger each day. I was numb for months after she died. Totally shocked. I think that it’s only now, as I’m coming out of that numbness, that I’m beginning to really feel what it’s like not to have her around anymore. I guess it makes sense that it’s happening during the summer time. We used to spend a lot of time together in the summers. She was an excellent cook and taught me how to make zuchini bread from the monster zuchinis in our yard. Blackberry pies, banana bread, all sorts of breads. It’s so lonely without her in this house. I don’t know… I never know what’s going to get me feeling all sad. We’re rearranging the house now that my dad has moved out and into his own place, I’m finding a ton of old photos, and all sorts of stuff just lying around that reminds me of her. The iMac had a bunch of her old files. I hadn’t seen any of them before but I looked at their creation dates and thought about where they were created in relation to her getting sick and dying. Because they were all made around that time. Her resignation from work (not stating her sickness or cancer at all). A job application for another job from a few months earlier before she got sick, when she just simply wanted out of her job at OUS. She wanted out of that job for a long time. A small website she and I began making for the denison family. A database of recipies with only one entry. Hot Cocoa. A Christmas letter from my dad mentioning my wedding to Nichole in Eugene and Naomi’s wedding to Kevin in Durban, not mentioning my mom being sick at all, or why they couldn’t make it to Naomi’s wedding. This was before I even knew how sick she was. I don’t know why they kept us in the dark as long as they did. Naomi and I had to put all the pieces together and come to peace with the inevitable on our own. I think my dad couldn’t handle more than the responsibility of taking care of her. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame her either. I just wish they would have had a chance to be more than parents, to retire together, or at least take a good vacation somewhere and enjoy life a bit. As it happened, my dad took a trip to South Africa a year after Naomi’s wedding, a couple months after she died. And is only now starting to write the book that we had all been encouraging him to write for years and years.

She told Naomi and my dad to make me stick with photography, because that was where she saw me the happiest. She said she was proud of me. I miss her so much. This is just such a sad night.

“There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept.”

– Ansel Adams

“There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.”

– Ansel Adams

“Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art”

– Susan Sontag (Against Interpretation)

“Susan Sontag: What she really wanted, throughout her career, was to grow up to be a Frenchman.”

– Edward Abbey

What a trip of a day. I got more done today than in a lot of the last few days combined. Lots of work, lots of relaxing, lots of talking with friends.

Congrats to Monty Goodson for hosting and kicking ass in the PDXBOT.03 up in Portland. Check out the story about their mini robotics competition in the Oregonian.

So yeah. I’m running a massive backup on my server in preparation for the massive maintenance I’m going to perform on the hardware. I’m toying with the idea of switching over to new hardware alltogether. But there are a lot of ifs in this situation. Cost, hardware choices, software choices, all sorts of fun stuff like that. Anyway. I’ll be sticking with Lasso, MySQL and OS X server but might be adding WebObjects into the mix just for kicks. I’ve been wanting to learn it for some time, even though Java scares the living crap out of me. Last time I messed with it I about popped a vessel in my brain trying to get it to connect to MySQL. Such is life.

Anyway. I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I’m enjoying my last few days with Nichole before I take off to Boston and then before she takes off for Boston. It’s her birthday today. I got her a Twister beach towell for sunnin’ and a 2003 Jetta 1.8T (ha ha, just kidding). Also talked with Andy today and we are planning a climbing trip while Nichole is away in Europe this summer. All good things. Two weeks in Squamish will surely cure my jealously of Nichole’s trip.

Got a shooting gig coming up next week. In Boston. I’ll be shooting film which I love because it doesn’t screw up the focal length on my already limited lens selection. Can’t say that I’ll all that excited about getting out of town. Recently all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. It’s like I just can’t get enough. I’m sure there’s a bit of depression tied into it, but I honestly think I’m just not getting enough sleep these days. Been working really hard, finally making a little bit of money, that kind of stuff.

Something I’m a bit bummed about is the fact that Nichole is going to be out of town for more than two months this summer. Things have been getting better between us lately but it’s not perfect. I’m left feeling annoyingly lonely most of the time and I didn’t expect that with marriage. I guess I didn’t know what to expect with marriage, but being lonely just wasn’t part of it. I don’t know what it’s going to be like while she’s actually gone. Seriously. I’m sort of afraid of it. I think self-esteem plays in to this a bit.

For reasons unmentioned I’m real low on the self-esteem these days. Self-esteem being that thing that let’s you feel confident around other people. And even though I should be happy with who I am regardless of other people, it’s not much help when who I am isn’t very compatible with the people I’m surrounded with. Things that I am proud of mean nothing to other people these days. Making it harder to share my joy. Like the only thing I’m really happy of, proud of even, is completely uninteresting. I’m getting to be a pretty proficient programmer. I’m proud of the sites and the databases I’m building. I’m not doing much design which is about the only thing that carries any prestige when it comes to web development. I used to climb, work as a professional photographer, and was in awesome physical shape. All three of which could hold a conversation on their own. I don’t know. I’ve got a lot more to say about this but I’m going to have to do it later. My wife’s back. The Kevin Smith movie marathon continues.

As you can see. I wasn’t compelled to write up any kind of review on this movie right after I saw it. The Matrix Reloaded was good but it didn’t blow my socks off. The choreography on some of the fight scenes was completely imcompatible with the accompanying (spelling?) musical score. And yeah, there was a score for this movie. Violins, symphony and all. I don’t remember there being a score for the first matrix. It was just a bunch of Rob Zombie tracks which really rounded out the techno-otherworldly sensation and eerie photography in the first Matrix. Matrix Reloaded just didn’t feel the same, a bit too much hollywood crept into the music, the scene selection, and the stupid romantic undertones of the whole thing. Why is is that hollywood feels compelled to say “love will fix everything” no matter what the context or tone of the plot? It felt like the movie was test marketed too much and despite excellent and groundbreaking special effects was toned down significantly. It felt like just another movie.

Ok. So that all sounds like a serious knock at the movie, and I guess it all was. But it did have it’s good qualities. It had enough wired philosophy in it to keep my brain teased and pleased. The costuming, fights, chase scenes, and photography are damn solid. Sexy and solid. It’s still a stylish movie keeping you sliding between the reality of the matrix and the reality of zion from scene 1 to the closing credits. The juxtapositon of destiny against “reality” is strong and supports the philosophy in the movie impeccably.

I’ll probably go see it again in the theaters.

I’m off to see it right now. I’m jazzed enough about it but it’s going to depend heavily on special effects to keep my attention. The newness of an excellent science fiction plot will not be there, and Keanau’s acting certainly isn’t going to pull it’s weight. When has it ever? I’ll be back with a report after the fact. For those who care.

This is more like a note to myself, or a small personal realizaton, than anything, but programming is different than climbing. The consequences of not getting something right the first time when programming are very different from not getting it right the first time while climbing. Carelessness effects you very differently. Strange that I never thought about this before. And even in photography, where the consequences of not getting something right the first time can be very rewarding.