Straight Edge Life

It’s too early to think very clearly. I’m strong today. I’m starting to remember how to let my body take over for my brain. There’s a lot of stuff up there that can’t be solved by thinking about it. Too many questions, too many fears, too many regrets. I can pine over all of it for the rest of my life, and lose my life in so doing. That’s not me. Not anymore. Too much to do, too much to see, too much to look forward to in this life. It’s getting harder and harder to sit in front of this computer. It’s getting harder to just sit still and do nothing with my body all day. I’m meeting with Cliff today. I’m likely to buy one of his 6×7 medium format cameras. It’s huge. And would be a huge step for me. In all ways.

First comes the backup. What’s important to keep and what’s easily installed (perhaps in a better state) later. Where’s it all going to be stored while the system itself is being rebuilt from scratch? So find some safe storage, something stable, secure and fast. After the backup comes the partitioning. There’s only so much space but it’s sort of exciting to look at what’s going to go where. One partition for the whole system? Something that serves all your needs. Maybe two partitions splitting demands among them. Or two partitions; one for support of an older operating system, one for the new and improved. Or maybe three partitions. One for old operating system support that can be shared between two different new partitions while they do their respective work.

Ah, decisions. I select two partitions. One to do what the other can’t and vise versa. They will share common programs. For the most part they can do exactly the same things. In fact, the only differences will lie below the surface. Where nobody but me will actually see or feel the difference. One workhorse and one server.

So why all this complexity and restructuring? Because the previous setup isn’t working. I’ve got two other machines that are built to do a job together and right now that’s not possible. Not until I can offload one’s assignment and free it up to be a team player.

So it’s quite possible that for the next week, or so SXEL will be unreliable, maybe even down completely. I appologize for this but I need to have my scanner running again; it’s my one link between photography and work right now. And it only runs on os9. Right now I have only one machine that can boot os9. Yup, you guessed it, my server. My old trusty B+W G3 350. And I certainly can’t run a website on os9. The upside is that when it’s all done SXEL will be running on a dual 1.25GHZ with more than a gig of RAM. It should be a lot faster experience, although my connection is still limited to 400K upstream.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. Change is a difficult thing. It’s hard. Really hard. And as much as I hate to admit it I need to be appreciated when I do something. When I make an effort I feel like it should be recognized not abused or mistreated. I’ve never really been afraid of falling into the shadows or anything like that. Being forgotten. It’s nothing like that. It’s a respect issue. It’s a follow through issue. When I go out of my way to do something, to change so that someone else can benefit, what’s so difficult about passing on even the slightest amount of respect or courtesy? Fucking tell me that. This is my rant. This is my fucking web log and it’s my fucking perrogative to say what I’m thinking. You know. Fuck. There are reasons why people have to earn trust with me. Simple, clear, honest reasons. Like I’ve never really had a good experience just trusting someone or just going on faith. I know that you have to stick your neck out or you aren’t actually alive. But when you notice a pattern, when it happens again and again, you tend to either avoid that pattern or find a way to deal with it when it sucks and let it keep happening. One respects yourself; the former. One is weak and pathetic; the latter.

I know I’ve been asking a lot. I know I’ve asked too much at times. But why is it that this tiny little, oh so easy to fix, thing is so fucking hard to do. Just a little respect. That’s all I ask. Fuck.

I don’t know where to find strength tonight. By doing something different. By being creative I suppose. I lifted a shitload of weights in a very short period of time, tromped down the street until my ipod froze, and now I’m at the keyboard with shaking hands and twitching pectoral muscles. Blow it off. Find strength by using it. I can’t get mad, even though she’s not paying me the same respect she’s requesting. It didn’t work in the past, it’s not going to work tonight. There’s something else for me to do, for me to say. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps another set of reps.

“The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.”

– Winston Churchill

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

– Douglas Adams

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colon.” Need I say more?”

– Chris Rock

“For What profit is it to a man if he gains the world and loses his own soul?”

– Matthew 16:26

“No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.”

– Bertrand Russell

“At my school, the cop from DARE passed around three joints to show everyone. And he said “If i dont get all three of these back this school’s getting locked down and everyone’s getting searched until I find it” And like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see ‘em and they got passed back, the cop had four.”

– Daze, IRC (bash.org)

“If your name was homework, I’d be doing you on my desk right now…”

– Unknown

“A friend is like a parachute: if they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t need them again.”

– Unknown

“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years we would be the smartest race of people on Earth.”

– Will Rogers

“I think there is only one form of greatness for man. If a man can bridge the gap between life and death. I mean, if he can live on after he has died, then maybe he was a great man. To me the only success, the only greatness, is immortality.”

– James Dean

“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.”

– Salvador Dali Gallery

“Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself.”

– Jimmy Carter (address to congress)

Well, I didn’t find as many good photos from my Sierra trip as I was hoping to find. I’ve posted the few worthy shots on Pixenter. Just click on the browse catalog link and check out the first three or four photos. Hopefully I’ll be adding more climbing photos in the coming weeks / months.

Well that’s it. We both reached breaking points, found a lot in commom, and decided not to hammer the coffin closed with an even bigger mistake than ever was made in the relationship.; divorce.

Both of us want to be able to be ourselves. Both of us want relief from the exhaustion, pain, and fear of contstantly dealing with the challenges in this relationship. We both want to make art, travel, and raise kids together. Probably in that order if my parent’s pattern is a good example. So we are doing that grown up thing choosing not to give up and are choosing to recognize change as opportunity rather than as an assault. Nichole and I will actually be in different cities for most of the summer. Something that was putting pressure on fixing some issues in our relationship. So in fact we actually have no choice but to change things in the relationship. And we will change. Starting with recognizing that pressure itself was one of the major issues in our lives.

We’ve both been through a hell of a lot this year. I lost my mom to cancer, her dad went through cancer and survived. Our respective siblings and parents have needed a lot of support. We’ve moved from Eugene to Boston and back to Eugene. Now we’re thinking about moving to Arizona. We’ve held full time jobs that we didn’t like at all. Removed ourselves from friends and family and from the things we love to do. It’s amazing that we didn’t self destruct before this. But the reality is that for all of our mistakes under pressure we still love each other and we still fit so well together.

It’s strange how the things that you really need appear when you need them the most.

The meeting went fairly well. I don’t know what I expected, but I was at least able to tell her everything that I had scribbled in my sketchbook on the flight last night. I think that what lies ahead is going to be even more difficult than what lies behind. It seems as if some of my efforts are being undercut by a sabot. I don’t know how to go into this and am not sure that I even should go into it. I suspect you can guess who it might be. And I’m pissed. There should be more honesty here. There shouldn’t be any games. Even if she is mad at me. Even if she’s frustrated and just wants me to fuck off. She should tell me. Not just silently make it more difficult for us to get things back on track.

Here’s one of the many shots I took while in the Sierras this weekend. This is in the Buttermilks bouldering area outside of Bishop, CA. The climber is Dave Patterson and I have no idea what the name of the route is. I shot it with a Nikon D100 using (I think) an 85mm F1.8 Nikon lens, 400 asa, WB unknown. The telephoto lens selection was partly to help compress the sense of distance into a more flat plain. I knew the atmospheric haze and texture changes alone would convey a better sense of scale and distance than would the simple geometry of the perspective that a wider lens would have emphasized. In fact I didn’t want to distract from the geometry of the boulder or climber. The shutter speed was slow so that a small amount of movement is visible in the climber himself. It’s also not a posed image. Dave was in the middle of doing laps on this route and certainly wasn’t aware of when I was taking images. Although he was aware that I was taking images. And yes, it needs to be color corrected.

Went to the Sierra with Dave this weekend. We did a mega off-the-couch hike that basically kicked both of our asses ten ways from Sunday. It was, of course, well worth the effort and resulting pain.

I haven’t felt at home in the mountains lately. Haven’t been able to shake the troubles of normal life, no matter the altitude. I shouldn’t have expected that it would be a miracle solution. Dave, hardman, said it himself: climbing in an immature solution to the problems in life. And I have to agree. It can teach you some tools but, in the end, it’s only a filter. It can’t actually fix anything. I did however manage to forget about my troubles for most of Saturday day. But distraction is a pointless lover.

So I spent the majority of my flight getting ready for my weekly meeting with the marriage counselor with little more clarity than when I left Eugene on Thursday. I was hoping to have some great revelation to scribble in my sketchbook. A silver-bullet solution. Something to get things back on track. Back closer to where we were in the beginning. Two people desperately in love. Anyway, this will be a solo meeting. It’s been too tough for me to go together with Nichole since I was dumb enough to put myself in harm’s way a week and a half ago. But my trip wasn’t fruitless because one thing I discovered with a bit more clarity is that this thing is about pain. My pain. It’s too hard to live with someone who is completely affectionless, regardness of the reason. It’s tough to be in love with someone who isn’t able to show that in return. If indeed they do love you in return. Which in all honesty is still a doubt in my mind. People move on. She may have done this in mind and body a long time ago. I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m not allowed to express myself. Not completely anyway. And that’s killing my soul. Who said I can’t be myself?

Edward Abbey remarks… “A man without passion would be like a body without a soul. Or even more grotesque, like a soul without a body”.

There are enough questions still up in the air that it’s downright impossible for me to have hope or to be discouraged. For now I have removed myself from the direct source of the pain and am bracing for both the worst and the best of my imagination. I’m glad I’m not an extraordinarily creative mind this month. Otherwise, I would probably be going nuts thinking about all the possible answers to the questions I don’t know. Is she cheating on me? Does she love me anymore? Did I do something to create this distance? Is there any way that I can help rather than hurt the situation? Is this thing bound to get more complex or less? How much longer can my patience last? And when is enough, enough?

I can’t worry about these things. In all honesty I think the best thing I can do is go about my business. Keep hiking, climbing, chilling with friends, making web sites, etc. What else can I do really?

I’m going to turn off my computer for a week. I’m thinking about going back to school and studying photography. I’m thinking about doing a book project. I’m thinking about becoming a carpenter. I’m thinking about becoming a professional climber. I’m thinking about rafting the colorado river. I’m thinking about building a darkroom. I’m thinking about getting an MFA. I’m thinking about buying a 20mm and a 70-200mm VR from Nikon. I’m thinking about sleeping for a week. I’m thinking about going to a good reggae show. I’m thinking about reading The Monkey Wrench Gang. Again. I’m thinking about moving to Montana and letting myself go bankrupt. Living off the land. I’m thinking about travelling around the country by rail. I’m thinking about not coming back. I’m thinking about living like my dad. He’s got a bed, 7 shirts, one pot, a set of silverwear, a card table, a chair on his deck, and a laptop. That’s it. I’m thinking about making a movie. Dedicating a website to anger. I’m thinking about class instruction. I’m thinking about buying all new camera equipment. Only the best. I’m thinking about printing medium format negatives in my own darkroom. Zone VI paper. I’m thinking about naming my first baby girl Abbey. I’m thinking about mixing my own toners. I’m thinking about buying a 70lb compound bow and a bunch of carbon fiber arrows with broadpoints and making my own targets. I’m thinking about just about anything besides being here, now, alone. Today has been a bad day.

I’m a patient, faithful and generous man. But my patience can only last so long before the problem has to go away or I have to change myself to live with the problem. Sometimes the problem goes away in time. Sometimes it doesn’t go away but it isn’t a big deal or a big sacrifice. You just learn to live with it. Sometimes the problem stays and it means Changing yourself. It’s the only option. Not just a little change either. Something big. Something that actually changes who you are. I’ve been in that situation before and I’ve made the change thinking it was better not to lose the relationship than myself. It was the worst decision of my life. I’m facing this decision again in my marriage. The problem isn’t going away, and I can’t do anything to make it go away… and I have to make a choice. I’ve made a choice. The choice, in fact, was made last time when I gave myself up. That’s not going to happen again.

I’ve gone through the five million reasons why or why not to do this. But it’s done. We are seperating. Not a divorce, but then we haven’t been living as though we are married for some time now either. I didn’t expect this but I could see it coming. I don’t want this. But I know how useless it is to be in a relationship when a person sacrifices himself. If she wants me, she can have me. But I have to know that she wants me. Which is something she hasn’t been able to show me for a long time.

Tonight is a scary night. It’s darkest bright night of my life. I don’t know what the future has in store. It could be horrible, it could be the best night of the rest of my life. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I’m through putting my life on hold and of being forced to limit my self expression.

“I don’t want to burn bridges. But if it’s a bridge between me and hell I’ll do it.”

– Ari Denison

I’ve added a “daily polls” page. You can link to it from the navigation area at the top of the page. I’ll probably add it to the front page design if I can keep it from getting too cluttered. I’m a bit worried about that. But polls are something that people seem to like and I’m interested in seeing what kinds of responses I get, so I’ll see if I can get it crammed in there somewhere.

There’s a lot about straight edge culture that intrigues me. Like what in the hell do straight edgers do with their anger, frustrations and aggression? I’m not so arrogant as to think that we are all a bunch of non-violent, vegan, pacifists. As much as that’s an interesting ideal and all… it’s just not the reality. Maybe that’s why hardcore exists. The pit was for me a killer way to blow off steam. But then again so was climbing. And climbing was a much more constructive means of actually dealing with that steam. Still it simmers. Sometimes it simmers closer to the surface than I want it to. I think that will definitely have to be in one of my daily polls. It might be a bit tough to get the options down to a 4 choice deal. Seems a bit more like an essay question. But anyway… We all know what non-straight edgers commonly do to blow off their steam. Soon enough I’ll be asking you guys.

For all the hell the t68i has given me since I bought it in November, I’ve finally gotten it to do something worthwhile. Uploaded a little SXE logo for my background.

Bluetooth is a fabulous thing. I’m just not sure it’s potential is going to be fully realized if they don’t shape up the documentation for it. And it won’t hurt to have some decent connections speeds either. I tried to ppp connect in the Denver airport on a layover with much pain and repeated failures. That’s how I am about this stuff. Maybe it comes from being an apple user. If the technology gets in my way I just get pissed at it.

For all the hell the t68i has given me since I bought it in November, I’ve finally gotten it to do something worthwhile. Uploaded a little SXE logo for my background.

Bluetooth is a fabulous thing. I’m just not sure it’s potential is going to be fully realized if they don’t shape up the documentation for it. And it won’t hurt to have some decent connections speeds either. I tried to ppp connect in the Denver airport on a layover with much pain and repeated failures. That’s how I am about this stuff. Maybe it comes from being an apple user. If the technology gets in my way I just get pissed at it.