Straight Edge Life

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

- A. Whitney Brown

Sometimes I think I’m just stubborn. That all my strength comes simply from my ability to resist. I think about giving in at times. Just letting go and saying fuck it. I think about it because I don’t completely love who I am. Maybe if I back off of some of my stubborn convictions I’ll find that some of the issues which the stubborness generates will dissappear. Because, honestly I don’t remember why I believe half the things I believe. I don’t know if I ever knew. I was talking about how reaction can become habit in an earlier log. I think I’m a victim of habit. I think it guides too many of my decisions and takes up too much of my time.

I can’t imagine my life without some sort of religion, but then I also can’t fathom believing in most religious doctrine either. I was raised in a religiously rich environment. I wasn’t forced into anything as I grew up, but I was surrounded by people who honestly believed in their faiths. I picked up some of this. I picked up a lot of it. But I’ve never studied. I’ve never felt compelled to fit the mold of a church attending Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Buddhist. My honest feelings about religion go something like this: If it fits, if my understanding of it is without contradiction, without effort, without compromise, and it helps me see beauty in the world, if it is in harmony with my heart, if my soul doesn’t see any red flags, then I’m at peace with being religious. But haven’t felt like this for a long time. It’s been impossible for me to seperate the actions of churches from religion. I’ve been unable to find a doctrine that I’m at peace with. But I still act as though I am. Out of habit, out of upbringing. Out of stubborness.

So I’m stuck between not really believing in any one religious doctrine and not really being free of the constraints of living as a religious man. It’s weird. I don’t know how to clearly and completely draw a distinction between my straight edge beliefs and plain old Christian beliefs either. Because I honestly believe that Christian religion doesn’t support drinking, drugs or promiscuous sex. So, can one exist without the other in my heart? My heart.

I often wonder if anyone else thinks about this kind of stuff. I’d probably be a lot less worried about being too stubborn if I quit thinking about how I live my life all the damn time. But I guess this is what makes me who I am. One thing I know that I believe is that religion is nothing without experience. Religion, in fact, might just be a product of experience for me.

I’m two days away from a long roadtrip and 12 days away from work. I don’t know if I’ll have access to internet access and may or may not be able to update SXEL, but rest assured, when I get back I will have much to say and show. I’m going to Yosemite for a bit of climbing and a lot of photography. It’s my first vacation in more than a year and I’m more than ready for it. I’m going alone probably, down the east side from Eugene to approach Yosemite from the east.

Roadtrips are battery chargers. Solo roadtrips are soulful battery chargers. Solo roadtrips to extremely gorgeous national parks to do exactly what you love… well, those are all of the above and much more. I like this whole concept of taking care of myself. It’s working out much better than accepting sacrifice constantly. I’m not sure I’m built for compromise. Even on the smallest level.

Cool enough. Talk to you all soon. And thanks for all the great responses to SXEL. I appreciate the encouragement. It’s not always easy to spill my guts on this thing. Helps to know that people are listening and relating.

Dance boy dance!

developers developers Frightening.

You can react against your parents, react against the politics you can’t control, react against cops, react against your school, everything that’s out of your reach or out of your control… You can take drugs because your parents fear it. You can have sex 24/7 because society says it’s dangerous. Because you want to be different. Because you want to be free. You can drink, smoke, and screw all you want…

But I ask, are you free? When’s the last time you looked at your life and thought about how you make your decisions? What influences your decisions? Are you really free, or do you simply act in reaction to something else? And is that freedom? It’s your choice, but is it really you who decided to make the decision? No, it’s wasn’t. Reaction comes when we are too lazy, too uncontrolled, and too weak to think for ourselves.

When backed into a corner we look for and attach ourselves to the exact opposite of the thing that pinned us there. And once you react, it’s easy to get in the habit of reacting. We even begin to define ourselves by our reactions. It can become a form of power. Perhaps, if the conditions are bad enough, the only power we have. My ex-wife’s sister is a perfect case study. She hunts down that which will annoy her mother with a frightening efficiency. Her outfits, hair, friends and the music she listens to combine to form a supremely tuned machine of distinction between her parents and herself. Funny thing is that her personality and character don’t really match the outfits. Not at all actually. Her situation sucks. I don’t blame her for doing everything she can to find her own identity in that house.

And, it’s not that she’s weak… unaware maybe, but not really weak. Her definition of freedom is constructed with one part distinction and one part difference. Whatever needs to be done to achieve that distinction is done. Whether she wants to do it or not, it is done. She’s seeking strength against her parent’s will over her, but is she going to find it through blind rebellion? Her decisions are still guided by her parent’s will and, therefore, she’s still just as much under their influence as a week ago when she didn’t have fishnet tights and micro skirts.

So what the hell is real freedom? It’s making your own decisions. It’s choice. And what does it take to find the strength, composure, and clarity to make your own decisions? Well, you won’t find the tools you need in alcohol. Nor in drugs. You aren’t going to find it by having a lot of sex either. Whether or not any of these three are done in reaction to something else in your life or not doesn’t really matter. And it wouldn’t be right to get down on recreation for the sake of recreation either. We all need to relax. But, when you drink it teaches you nothing. When you get high you don’t come down smarter and more equipped to handle life. And when you screw a lot of people you don’t come out knowing yourself any better.

Give yourself a fighting chance. Stand up and go somewhere else until you know what you want. Stop messing up your body just because you need an escape. Stay the hell away from drugs, drinking and sex so you have a chance to understand what you experience. Instead, to paraphrase Henry Rollins, travel the country, see some shows, live in a tent. Live lean. Live essentially. Leave everything behind and discover what it takes simply to survive. Leave the comforts of your surroundings and find something new, something that helps you understand what’s important, what’s essential. For you. Not for anybody else. Because I bet you don’t have a clue. Most of us don’t. Go somewhere and do something where your decisions effect only you. Then come back and see whether the life you used to live still makes sense today. Simply surviving has an amazing way of making you forget about your other problems. Indeed, it can solve them. When you’ve got no possessions, no physical burdens of property, proximity, flesh, or addiction; you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Simply put, go find an understanding of yourself. You don’t need anything else. Period.

Straight Edge is having an edge, the edge, the fighting chance. Go find it for yourself. Listen to the music you like, go the places you want to see, keep the people you respect close, respect the things that give you the tools to stay strong and make your own decisions. Because that, my friend, is freedom.

Straight edge: A review of a subculture and an examination of its roots in resistance.

Pressure to join up.

See if you can find a hotspot in your town.

I feel so good today I don’t know whether I can trust it. As you all know my life has been a mess lately, and feeling good, especially for a sustained period of time is very unusual. Yesterday was pure bliss; even better than today by a smidgen. Tomorrow looks at least as good as today. Maybe I shouldn’t think about it. That’s probably wise, but idle brain cells are a dangerous thing with a guy like me.

A simple philosophy is probably smart. Life is life… Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it’s good. Perhaps if I were shallow like that I’d be happy more of the time? Or perhaps not. More likely what’s happening is that after what seems like a decade of struggling with money, relationships, and family issues, I’ve finally learned a few things, and am finally starting to feel like my head is above water. And what’s this? I’m surprised about it. I guess it’s a good thing to underestimate yourself.

I’ll worry about the flaws in my new guidlines for life later, when they stop working. For now, it’s time to enjoy that life. Take it by the horns.

P.S. Did a search on a dating people who don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Came up with 17 people with my specific criteria. 17 within a 500 mile radius of Eugene. Sad.